Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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