awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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