I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
