I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
