how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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