Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
