I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
