New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
this is an emotional support booty call
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
