chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
