Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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