I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
