Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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