i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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