I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
