We're facebook friends in real life
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
