"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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