You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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