party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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