How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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