he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
