What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
