I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
