Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
