I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
