thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Randomize
