I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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