my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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