My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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