Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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