he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
