Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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