my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
