Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
