I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
