Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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