so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
