Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
