sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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