every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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