Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Randomize
