I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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