I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
A bitchslap is in order.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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