I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
