I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
