I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
