Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
