How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
