ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
ok first of all what the fuck
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
