I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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