My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
